no nonsense

Lawyer 1: “Your Honor, my client sat down to have breakfast and ordered waffles, orange juice, and coffee. When the order came my client took a drink of coffee and it was so hot, he dropped the cup and spilled hot coffee all over his lap causing burns and humiliation. We are suing for $100,000 for physical damages and mental suffering.”

Judge: “Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to gulp hot coffee? Grow up and take care of your irresponsible self. Case dismissed. Next.”
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Lawyer 2: “Your Honor, my client trespassed on a posted lot, broke into the empty house, and fell through a hole in the floor, breaking his leg and several ribs. We are suing for $300,000 for physical damages and mental suffering.”

Judge: “Don’t you know how to read? Grow up and learn some respect for others -- you’re going to jail. Case concluded. Next.”
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Lawyer 3: “Your Honor, my client plays his drums in his own home which helps keep him from becoming a juvenile delinquent but the neighbors whine about the volume. We are suing for $50,000 for mental trauma and disrespect.”

Judge: “You’re the whiney-butt, you immature little pissant. You’re not number one in anybody’s world except your own. If you don’t learn how to be considerate of others, you’ll be back in front of me just long enough for me to throw the book at you. Case dismissed. Next.”
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Lawyer 4: “Your Honor, my client stands on a street corner for hours at a time, holding a sign imploring people to give him money so that he will have nourishment. We are suing the city for $500,000 for mental turmoil because the police aren’t doing anything about drivers flipping him off.”

Judge: “Go out and get an honest job, you scumbag. If you keep looking for a handout, I’m going to put you on a chain gang and that will teach you how to work. Case dismissed. Next.”
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Lawyer 5: “Your Honor, my client was CEO of a prosperous company but was fired because of some silly little stock fraud which led the company to keep half of his golden parachute. We are suing for $500,000,000 for mental anguish.”

Judge: “You’re lucky they didn’t tell you to go fly a kite. People like you should have to go to jail simply because you breathe. Take your unscrupulous self, a backpack full of food but no money, and go live on No-Man’s Island for two years. If you can survive that, maybe you’ll learn some real values. Case concluded. Next.”